Worst Apocalypse Ever. Worst Gifts Ever.

December 21, 2012 by Jessica

So I’m pretty sick of telling everyone all the great things they should do, and eat, and buy this holiday season. Don’t get me wrong, I loveeeee Christmastime. (And telling people what they should do.) I even love Winter. But that is good enough. I’ve done my part. I spread cheer almost all the time…I mean I am cheerfulllllll and try to be good all year long. As far as gifts go, I’m not giving people I love horrifying gifts (on purpose), but I have gotten some really horrendous gifts over the years. I can attribute some of this to a broken home, an offensive personality, awful relationships, but mostly a family that hates shopping and values “togetherness” over gifts. Lucky meeeee.

Some of the worst gifts I’ve ever received, in no particular order:

1) NY GIANTS BEDSPREAD BLANKET THING. I don’t even know what you call it. It had no thread count and was made of scratchy polyester fur. I don’t watch football and if I did I’d probably hate the Giants because it seems like a pretty VANILLA team to root for around here.  Everyone likes them. Also, I don’t care. Also… Mom.

2) AN ADULT CAT. WITH WORMS. Hi. My name is Jessica and I hate cats. As a lover of sweet little things like children, and puppies, and you tube videos of cool cats (that don’t exist in real life), people are sometimes surprised that I hate cats. But I do. I just think they are horrible. I honestly have very few hang-ups, but would NEVER let anyone poop in my living room or kitchen and just leave it there. It’s embarrassing for everyone and kills the mood. I can’t look anyone in the eye that shits in a box in the kitchen and then just looks at you like it’s no big thing. No shame. So, an ex boyfriend gave me a cat….not even a  kitten….a full grown “rescue” cat with fur that was all scraggly an matted down like the HEART KILLING Sarah McLoughlin commerical that no decent human being can stand to watch.  And this old ass cat had worms. How do I know this? Well….I found tons of dead worms in my sweet cozy bed.  And just like that, we never had sex again. The end.


3) A BOOK WITH THE LAST PAGE RIPPED OUT. My mom once went to Mexico over the Holidays and brought me back “a really good book she bought to read on the plane”….the woman does NOT read but is always buying books as if she might just get into it at any moment. I think she was always trying to trick us into reading and set a good example, which I’m forever thankful for. It worked because while she was doing all that fake reading, my brother and I were devouring every one of her fake/real books that were all around. (My first chapter book was Suzanne Somers autobiography, “Keeping Secrets.”) Anyway…the book my mom gave me from Mexico was a great book, The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck. I loved it so much. But the last page was fucking ripped out and we didn’t have the internet so I couldn’t even Google it.

As you can see, I’ve had a really hard life and am permanently damaged from these experiences. In an honest attempt to prevent more of this nonsense, here are a couple more things you should avoid this holiday season:

1) Pajama Jeans.  Get this. America has gotten so lazy that we can’t even wear jeans. It’s like regular jeans are suddenly cumbersome? I don’t get it. PS- YOU KNOW THESE GUYS ARE NOT EXACTLY THE TARGET MARKET FOR THESE, AMIRIGHT? These guys look like they have sex with live human females, aka not your target market, pajama jeans. Look at this shirtless fuck. You know he’s having all the sex.  I mean in between nair-ing his chest and rubbing some sort of shiney oil on himself or whatever dudes do that look like this.  Whenever he finds the time. I mean, I don’t personally care for his look….it scares me, honestly…he looks like an alien/baby animal to me. Whether or not Fake Boxers is your type,  we can all agree he is not wearing these fucking pants. Ever. Not even with the AWESOME and sooooo convenient fake boxers. Hilaaaaarious.


2) Makeup. Nothing says “you’re not good enough” like giving someone UNSOLICITED cosmetics. I personally loveeeeeee nice makeup and would love  some NARS orgasm in my stocking or a little DIOR mascara, just because. I once had the unfortunate experience of watching someone unwrap one of those cheap-ass-all-in-one makeup kits that was designed to offer one person way too much color…..anyway, it was really sad. The girl didn’t wear makeup and didn’t plan to. Ever. Awkward for everyone and also, mean. I would probably stay away from giving someone a gym membership as well,  unless they ask for it.

5) Cats….with or without worms. Not a good gift.


That’s all I got right now.

Here are a few things that I’m thinking ARE really good gifts (for me):

1)Books with all the  pages.

2)A bike, ice skates, ski pass, yoga pass, gym pass.


4) Blonde on Blonde on vinyl.

5) A new giant cocktail/crazy ring because I lost my favorite one and am really sad about it.

6.)A juicer…..I love veggie juice. And this picture. And you. Merry Christmas, friends and loves.

My thoughts exactly.

Because “it’s a struggle to wear ordinary jeans”, get these before the world is over and you miss your change to look this fly.

POST BY Jessica
There was a void in her life. A spicy, meaty void . And the desire to fill that void led her across the river from Albany, to Troy, NY. It was there that she finally found it. Jamaican Beef Patty perfection. And lots of it. Late at night, I Love NY Jamaican Beef patties fueled her shenanigans. During the day, the premade frozen beef patties at the 3rd St bodegas kept her energy up for back to back yoga sessions. Like the Bee Girl from the Blind Melon video, she finally found a place with people like her. Except she’s a ginger. And not chubby. Slowly, it dawned on her. Troy, NY was meant for her and she made the purchase that would ensure she could remain, pockets filled with spiced meat encased in preservative laden dough: white curtains to put in her windows so as not to run afoul of the Troy Historic District’s guidelines. She could breathe easy. This was home. *****************************************************************************************************