The City of Troy is so romantic even its streetlights spell out the word “Love”.*** So if you’ve woken up today with no plans and have a honey that expects or deserves them, CMaxby is here to save your ass.
First off, let talk dollars. This is a cash or credit holiday. Handknit scarves made with love need not apply. Got paper or plastic? Good. Skip to the next paragraph. None of that? Sell the stuff you stole from your grandmother’s house last week or accost people for “bus fare” at the bus stop at Congress & Third. There’s stiff competition from area bums but people will see your (presumably) clean clothes and choose you over the bums.
Now that your finances are in order, let’s talk gifts.
Flowers. Some people love them. By now you should know how your chosen mate feels about them. There is no excuse for this if you’ve ever had a conversation, live or via the internet, with the object of your affection. Which side of the flower fence do they stand on? Delightful gift or “Dear GOD why are there rotting plants in fetid chemical water cluttering my counter space?”. If your honey is the former, Nina and crew at Flower World on Third St will hook you up. They have roses and carnations (Don’t. Just Don’t.) but I suggest telling them how much you want to spend and letting them make an assorted bouquet for you. It won’t be cheesy and you’d be amazed at how inexpensive it is.
Jewels. For craps sake stay away from Dr Quinn Medicine Woman’s Open Heart Garbage necklace from Kay Jewelers. This is only acceptable if you’re 5 and even then I would question the taste of my child if they gave me this. Romanation Jewelers and JK Bloom, both on Third St, have tasteful, interesting and custom jewelry which will make it seem like you didn’t purchase something last-minute with the sticky change from the center console of your Honda Civic. Just stay away from the vintage/antique jewelry cases at Romanation. I called dibs on all of that last Victorian Stroll and you don’t want to cross me about this sort of thing.
Foods. Well, you’re probably too late to reserve a table at LoPorto’s and frankly it serves you right. Fortunately, you aren’t left with dumpster diving as your only option. Is your sweetie adventurous with food? Take them for caffeinated wild boar at Illium Cafe. More of a picky eater? Wood fired pizza in a cozy brick nook at Bacchus. Hermit? Get take out from the Greek House, open a bottle of wine from Spirits of Troy, and have a couch picnic. If you go this route, btw, I would suggest setting the mood with some candles (Pfeil’s for tapered or stink free, the Botanic Studio for Stinktastic) and a book of sonnets from the Troy Public Library.
And finally, no Valentine’s Day post would be complete without a little advice for the singles out there. There is no reason for you to feel left out today. You’re lucky! This is a cheap day for you! Do yourself a favor and get out of the house and meet some folks tonight. It’s Swing night at Daisy Bakers this evening (and.. more importantly 2 for one night) so grab a partner and celebrate having no one to answer to. Looking for a younger crowd? Odds are the Ruck will be filled with 90% dudes until 11PM if that’s your thing. At 11:01 the girls will start to show up and 50% of them will be missing at least one vital piece of clothing. Start with the girl that’s missing a flip-flop. She’ll think everything you’ve said is either the smartest thing she’s heard or was spoken in Russian. Either way, it’s a confidence booster!
So there you go, folks. It’s legitimately IMPOSSIBLE to not have a good Valentine’s Day in Troy. Think of me fondly as you’re cuddling up with your honey on the couch (or the bathroom of the Ruck).
***My high school boyfriend told me this, presumably in the process of trying to get into my pants. A cursory search on the Googles yielded no support for his claim however I did learn that I can purchase love spells online. I think it’s great when traditional professions try to remain relevant by embracing a web-based business model. In these tough economic times even witches, voodoo priestesses and Nicole Kidman need to diversify their market base to stay afloat.