Something horribly awesome happened this week. I am currently still wrestling with pride and shame…either way, it’s worth mentioning. People who know me, will tell you I suck at eating. It’s not like I ever planned to, I just get full very fast, eat very slowly, USUALLY like healthy options, annnnd talk my face off. If eating was a sport, I’d lose. I hate to lose. Except last night. Something came over me….it was like a tidal wave of summer craving, and I couldn’t be contained. I won.
It was Monday, it was 90 degrees, and it was ON. All day long, as the hot breeze whipped me in the face and swept my hair over my eyes while I was driving, I could only think of food. This is was weird. Still, all day yesterday I couldn’t shake the voice in my head, the devil/angel on my shoulder that was planting the seed of debauchery deep within my guts.
As I drove home, I began to sort out my options. I wanted 3 things, and I knew exactly where to get them. I was NOT interested in one over the other, and I would not settle for 2 out of 3. Times like this it’s good to be an adult, because I truly needed to have exactly what I wanted, and what I wanted was so ridiculous that it is a GODSEND that I didn’t need permission or funding for this magical disaster.
I lined up a promising team of supporters that would see to it that my lofty goals would culminate in the perfect storm of fat/swag. GONE were the days of white skinny jeans (??) and IN was the night of elastic waistband. I tied my hair back, donned my loose fitting clothes, and set out to make my dreams come true.
First STOP: JACK’s.
The line was long and it hurt my heart. My time came soon enough….(man, they move fast!) and I fired off my order. One cheeseburger, with the works, one hot dog with the works, an order of fries, and a coke. For something that was a ridiculously small amount of dollars. My worthy adversary ordered……one cheeseburger. OHH LET THE SHAME BEGIN. Jack’s sliders are revolutionary, and I wouldnt want a slider from ANYWHERE else. The dog…..I’m torn.
SECOND STOP: FAMOUS LUNCH
We parked my car at my place, and decided I could use the 2 block walk up Congress. At the counter of Famous Lunch, we ordered 4 dogs with the works, an RC cola, and rice pudding. I wish I could tell you that I just wanted one of these babies, but as you can probably infer, a happy ending is not what’s in store. This place is RIDICULOUSLY INEXPENSIVE. Talk about a deal. I think you can get 4 dogs for something like 2 dollars. I’m serious. As I snapped into that slaphappysnappppppy skin, mustard, meaty, onion, missile of meatdome, all was right with the world. The RC was poppin’ and the pudding was a perfect misfit sidekick to this troica of trojan delights. What is it about rice pudding? Looking at it in a green plastic bowl, covered in creamy milk, ricey texture…it just looks like childhood and breakfast and something you’d have after school that was sort of plain, but you liked it, and it made you feel a certain good way. It tasted like vanilla, cream, and was pretty cold, so naturally……it only reminded me…that I wanted/needed/had to have…
THIRD STOP: SNOWMANNN
HAve you been to Snowman lately? I’m not sure if it was the unseasonably steamy weather or what….but this place was off the chain. Wild. Something about this place just screams “HUMANS gone wild.” I think THIS IS WHERE every human, from sweat pants to suits, to riding in a stroller to rolling in a wheelchair, all come together to wait in this ungodly line, all for a taste of sweet summertime snow. The middle aged women in front of us asked each other what a milkshake was, while 2 young boys took care of their baby sister and screamed to their parents that they needed more dollars, while the teenage guy behind us held his baby sister and used her as totally adorable bait to the bubble pop electric teenage girl he was meeting for ice cream. Some people were paying with change. Some people were paying with plastic. And someeee people I think had been there every night since it opened….in the 50′s. Anyway you slice it, I think it’s safe to say that EVERYONE loves Snowman. I really wanted a sundae, but was kind of full so just got a classic mint chocolate chip…it was 2 something. ALSO GREAT. So fresh, so clean.
You might be wondering what I felt like after this kind of gluttonous blowout, and the truth is, I felt surprisingly…..great. I slept like a baby. I was FULLY satisfied. I was warned that there was at last a 3 day make out ban after Famous Lunch, and there must be at least a 1.3 day ban from Jack’s, so the combined force is practically lethal. Still, don’t think going on a Monday wasn’t an accident. (On Thursday, I had ANOTHER burger at the Brown Bag. Somebody SLAP me.) And tomorrow is Friday. I think I’m officially out of the woods. HAPPY Weekend.