SMDH in Troy, NY

December 18, 2012 by Jessica

Alright. So you know we are positive and uplifting types of bitches over here at AT. We don’t hate on people or places and really are just happy in general, and nice too. HOWEVER, sometimes, you gotta just call a spade a spade or a bitch a bitch and for that reason…..I bring you…..the most annoying things EVER, this week.

1.) Bitches without friends. Seriously, I have always told my brother “DON’T TRUST A HO” …no….not really, I’ve steered him wrong a few times. BUT, I have always told him, “DON’T TRUST GIRLS WITHOUT GIRLFRIENDS!” It’s just a bad sign. I’m not saying you need to have a ton of friends, but females that don’t have solid bonds or some kind of reliable and loyal network of bitches – simply cannot be trusted. I’m 30. (I love being 30 because I can toss it around like I’m a real authority on some topics. Also, if 30 is good enough for Jay-Z, it’s good enough for me.) So in 30 years, any chicks I’ve come across that say things like, “Oh it’s just easier to be friends with guysssss“, or “girl friends = dramaaaaaz”, or “girls cant be trusted” are usually what CMAXBY’s grandmother would call…..well, you know. And can’t be trusted.

If you are a guy, and you are thinking of getting with a girl, and all her friends or dudes, OR she talks shit about all her “supposed” girls, or she just is completely friendless….you need to RUN, not walk, away. Let’s keep it real. You don’t have friends for a reason, and it’s not because other women aren’t available to become friends with, women LOVEEE to make friends. Are you serious? It’s like what we are made to do. And don’t try to say things like ” it’s because I’m, like,  reallyyyyyy pretty” or “bitches are just jealoussss”, because I have some of THE FINEST friends around and I could call at least a handful of them at 2am to help to get rid of a body. No questions asked. But being a good friend takes commitment just like being good at anything, you have to put your time in and be a good human and do things that you don’t want to do sometimes. Basically, it’s not all about you. And some bitches just can’t handle this. (P.S.  It’s not because you’re SO pretty, it’s because you suck.)

2.) Nuts (or any food) that you buy that have a “special seasoning” or extra crap added to them that is not on the front label of the package. This is fraud and should be illegal. You should go to jail for this. Locked up like Akon. For real. This week, I was at the grocery store and I wanted walnuts for baking and for me and my friend to add to our morning oatmeal. I saw some on sale, so bought 4 bags. Well. Today,  I added some of these “simply dry roasted” walnuts into my maple oatmeal……and something tasted wackkkk. I had a couple bites. Then went for the package. Just plain walnuts. NO mention of anything else added anywhere. I look at the ingredients and there is a “special coating” on them. Special coating of what, you ask? Good question. Special coating of chemicals and salt that made the walnuts taste like hot fries or spicy chex mix. That is fucked up. I almost put these in brownies. Could you imagine anything worse? An entire tray or brownies with garlicy hot and spicy nuts? Barf.

3.) Voicemail. People…..please. Ok, Mom….please. Why am I going to listen to a voicemail…..I can see that you called and will call you right back if I want to talk to you. OR, you can text me if its a message you want to deliver, unless you are my grandmother or dad or some other older relative. The WORST offenders are those that call, leave a VM, then text you to let you know they left a VM. Are you for real, my friend? I just got 3 alerts on my phone from this one communication attempt. Come on. Don’t get me wrong, I have text affairs with some of my girlfriends that result in me returning to my phone after an unannounced shower to 50 text messages, and that’s fine. But currently, the only people that leave me voicemails are 1.) my mom. 2) the library 3) someone who is mad at me. 4.) Folks who don’t take no for an answer. Stop. Stop. Stop.  Right now, I an unable to to accept VM’s and plan on keeping it that way.

Leave me a message after the BANG.

4.) People who are surprised by the fact that it is cold out. Please. Do you knowwwwwwww that it’s December in NY? ARE YOU NEW? If you really are new, then I welcome you to the area. If you are not….then please, PLEASE, read the farmers almanac or something. AND, I don’t want to hear it from you this August when it’s 90 out either. SMDH.

YOU DON’T SAY, MF!!!

5.) Anyone who requests a receipt on a personal email. You really need to chill. I’ve had some recent experiences  where a slightly random acquaintance requests a receipt for an email about something dumb like booking a Silpada party/tupperware party/something like this that I think is dumb. I don’t want to have a party because my friends would punch me for making them buy this stuff, and also, I don’t know you. Do you think I am not having a Silpada party because I simply did not get one of the 56 emails? Why do you need to ensure delivery of this? You need to serioulsy….

NOW.

6.) The dead raccoon on the Everett road off ramp on I-90 West that has been there for TWO MONTHS. I saw it the day it died! Now, it is all flat and STILL here. Hundreds of people wait in traffic on this ramp, all day. Is anyone going to call someone?!??! Do I really have to do it? Every morning it’s like I relive the horror all over again. Yes, I know…I could have called animal control a million times, it’s just that I have done this before, and it’s GOT TO BE some other decent persons turn now.

Welp, I think that’s it for today. I’d love to know your thoughts on any of these things, especially if they make you shake your damn head, too.

 

Your friend,

Jessica

 

 

POST BY Jessica
There was a void in her life. A spicy, meaty void . And the desire to fill that void led her across the river from Albany, to Troy, NY. It was there that she finally found it. Jamaican Beef Patty perfection. And lots of it. Late at night, I Love NY Jamaican Beef patties fueled her shenanigans. During the day, the premade frozen beef patties at the 3rd St bodegas kept her energy up for back to back yoga sessions. Like the Bee Girl from the Blind Melon video, she finally found a place with people like her. Except she’s a ginger. And not chubby. Slowly, it dawned on her. Troy, NY was meant for her and she made the purchase that would ensure she could remain, pockets filled with spiced meat encased in preservative laden dough: white curtains to put in her windows so as not to run afoul of the Troy Historic District’s guidelines. She could breathe easy. This was home. *****************************************************************************************************