Feed Me, Seymour

I recently spent a brief stretch in prison on a low carb diet followed by a vacation out of the country. During that time (referred to in my household as “Maxby’s Dark Period”) I made a list of all of the things I was looking forward to eating while I was no longer in bread exile and back in Troy. In no particular order, my favorite noms and their associated establishments:

The Mozzabella at Bacchus- This is what I ended up breaking the no carb fast on and it was glorious. Did you ever hear that theory that tertiary neurosyphillus caused delusions of granduer in Beethoven, resulting in the composition of the Ninth Symphony? No? Well let’s just say I now understand what he was feeling without all of those pesky chancres. There’s a reason why this pizza won the original “design your own pizza contest” at Bacchus and that reason is that the secret ingredient is crack. And only the freshest of crack… the kind you find in Franklin Alley, not Church St.

GIMME PIZZA!

GIMME PIZZA!

The English Twist at Daisy Baker’s- I love the food at Daisy Baker’s but it was watching my friends drink this gin based cocktail while I was forced to sip a vodka seltzer that sent me over the edge. Basically my only child tendencies, kept into exile for years, reared to the surface frightening all of my friends and acquaintences and making them rethink their association with me. Deightfully, Megan (Daisy’s bartender) said she’s seen worse, fixed me another vodka seltzer and agreed we’d get through this together. I’m proud to say we have and I’m a stronger person for it. Tonight after TNO you’ll find me adoringly sipping an English Twist and trying to forget there was a period of two weeks that I couldn’t have one.

"One English Twist, please!"

Sangria and Iced Coffee Lazy Sunday’s at the Confectionery- Sunday is my day to pretend that I never have to go to real work again and I accomplish this by reading a book on the Confectionery’s back patio while sipping something lovely and thinking Really Deep Thoughts. I don’t need to get into too much detail about the iced coffee as it’s been covered more eloquently than I could have done, but what you may not know is their Sangria is LOVELY. Technically, since Sangria is a fruit (It’s science. Look it up.), it’s perfectly acceptable to drink two carafes by yourself while reading a lighthearted mystery novel about an 11 year old that loves chemistry and solves crimes.  

Hot Fries at the Ruck- Buffalo wings are acceptable to eat while avoiding carbs, but their delightful french fried cousin, the Hot Fry, is not. I couldn’t believe it either. Sometimes I don’t want meat but I always want buffalo wing sauce and when this happens, Hot Fries have always been there for me. I think this may have been the hardest for me to get over because I can actually see the Ruck from my house and in my darkest moments imagined that Chuck Schumer would institute a french fry ban just in time for me to return home.

Double Fudge Cupcake from Sweet Sues- I ate three of these when I came back and started eating carbs again. I’m not great with moderation and I don’t feel guilty at all.

DeFazio’s Menu- All of it. The entire menu. I may actually take a week off from work to do this.

Finnbar’s Fish & Chips- While away, I had a dream that I was sitting in Riverfront Park watching the fountains go off and eating their fish and chips, seated next a giant bottle of malt vinegar. For better or worse, you have now gotten a serious glimpse into the way my brain operates at night. This weekend marks their one year anniversary so it would be a festive time to test drive their menu if you haven’t gotten a chance yet.

Super Brownie Sundae from Snowman- Every night that I was home not eating carbs I tucked myself into bed telling myself the next day would be the day I drive from work straight to Lansingburgh and completely ruin myself with fudge, whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles. I slept like a fat, happy baby.

Japanica Grill- Sushi rolls… they pieces are small, fit in my hand, and make me feel like a giant. Japanica’s sushi is also delicious and beautiful which makes me feel like a sophisticated giant. I need this kind of affirmation in my life and two weeks without it made me feel like Shrek.

If you place a little sushi roll in Eleanor Abernathy's right hand, this is a close artist's rendering of me at Japanica.

If you place a little sushi roll in Eleanor Abernathy’s right hand, this is a close artist’s rendering of me at Japanica.

For the good of the neighborhood and society as a whole, I will no longer be attempting to “get healthy” by denying myself the foods and drinks I love. Instead, I’m going to let the pendulum swing back to it’s original position of excess and embrace the carb-free/week vacation as the failed experiment that it was.

It’s nice to be back.

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