Ask Maxby

January 29, 2013 by cmaxby

Ask Maxby is a weekly advice column written by… well, Maxby. Questions and requests for advice can be mailed to askmaxby at Her qualifications are minimal but it’s better than asking your mom.

Dear Maxby,

I don’t know what to do! I think everyone is out to get my business! And by everyone I mean my neighbors, the cops, the city… everyone is against me! I tell everyone on facebook that it isn’t my fault and point fingers towards the REAL problem business but people are still saying I’m a troublemaker. No one will listen. I heard there’s a booming business environment in Clifton Park and Cohoes… Should I leave Troy and move my business there?


Always the Victim

Dear Victim,

First off, you must be in a terrible state to suggest Clifton Park as a solution. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so persecuted that you think leaving Troy is a viable option. HOWEVER, common sense would indicate that you’re probably doing something to annoy your neighbors, the cops, and the city. Perhaps, instead of pointing fingers elsewhere you should focus on the things that you can change about yourself and your business that would make you a better member of the community.

That is to say… before sticking  your fingers in your ears and shouting “LALALALA NOT ME NOT ME NOT ME”, take a moment and look at yourself. You are a grown up (presumably… I can only imagine what a kid would have to do to get an entire city against them) and you are employing the same tactic a 5 year old would use to spread the blame around to their siblings when they do something bad. It’s not attractive on a child and it’s embarrassing on an adult. So quit it.

Maybe the answer is a different line of business? Something safe like a plant store or flat cap emporium. I’ve been saying we need a men’s clothing store down here. Test drive that idea and see if the people of Troy respond a bit better.

Dear Maxby,

I’m new in town and would like to meet friends. Normal human friends with normal human skin. Where do I go to study humans meet friends?


Completely Normal Human, Definitely not a Space Alien Looking to Study Humans

Dear Normal Human,

Welcome to Troy! We love all humans, normal and whatever the other brand is. Extra pulp, probably. This city is great for meeting new people and making new friends however it is definitely a place that gives back what you put into it. I’ll give you some ideas to get you started, but after that it’s on you to keep it going.

The easiest way to meet people right now is the indoor farmers’ market. Yes, the outdoor market is bigger but the lack of space will force human contact. Eat a croissant from Placid Baker and talk to the vendors. They’re a captive audience… they have to be nice to you!

In the evening hours, go to any of our friendly, neighborhood drinking establishments that remain open after January 31st, and grab a beer. In twenty minutes you’ll have at least three  new best friends. This is provided you are 21. If you aren’t, still go but just buy a soda. If you’re nervous, wear a costume. Ike has made some of his greatest Troy friends going out and about dressed as Freddy Mercury.

For more specific places to go, peruse some old blog posts. We’ve named lots of places to go for human beings, normal or extra pulpy, to go hang out at.

No lie.


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